Final Deathmatch!
by Beta Genius
Summary: Read the title.You can probably guess what it's about.It's like the Celebraty one, but not quite as violent...Warning: LAST CHAPTER UP! WOOHOO! FREEDOM! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE R&R chp. 16 up
1. Default Chapter

note: I don't own Final Fantasy. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!....And I don't own Starbucks either.

Final Deathmatch!

Announcer: HEY y'all and welcome to- *looks around to see no one was paying attention. rolls eyes and goes up to chalk board to the side, holding up microphone and scratching her nails on it. A loud scream from everyone, and silence* Ahem, thank you. As I was saying...HEY y'all and welcome to the first annual Final Deathmatch! My name is Jack and I'll be your host for this evening! *Hears a few punks in the back round laughing, and tries to ignore* This is where we compete characters from Final Fantasy's VII, VIII, and X against each other!

Person: Hey, speak English!

Jack: I did...

Person: What the heck, she's a girl and her name's Jack!

Other guy: Yeah, talk about funny! I thought I was just going to laugh at this stupid rip off, but this is great!

Jack: Hey this is _not_ a rip off! *in tears* And so what if my name's Jacqueline... *She recognizes them as Cloud and Auron, and runs up. She chases them out with Ultima threatening their lives. Going back, she smiles, tilting her head.* Anyway, let's get this party started!

*desk suddenly appears, where she sits in her comfy chair* Now first off, we'll do the villains. Don't ask why, I just feel like it. Now on with the show!

*Ultimacia suddenly appears in the arena in a puff of smoke. She smiles and waves like a prom queen, and soon begins to choke on the smoke around her.*

Jack: Our first competitor is Ultimacia from Final Fantasy Eight. She enjoys filing her nails, messing up time, and taking long, luscious walks around her torturous castle. *Shivers, and tries not to look to disturbed.* Isn't that nice. That's have a round of applause.

*small applause from audience. She turns angry, and summons her giant beast creature. A loud applause begins to ring, and she smirks, sending it away*

Jack:....Anyway our next opponent is Yu Yevon....Uh...*Looks around* Where is it anyway?

Yevon *in small, insignificant voice* Down here, fo!

Jack: *looks over desk to find small, tick like creature* Oh, and here you have him, ladies and gents!

Yevon *jumping on desk and to microphone*: Yeah, I just wanted to say that no matter what people think, I am the greatest boss alive! That's right. *jumps off with microphone still dragging by him with his powers and head out to the middle of arena* No matter what I look like, always remember that I controlled Sin! I was the one who took out Spira and all those who opposed me! I am the greatest! *stands on two legs and points to Ultimacia* And I can so kick your-

Sephiroth: *Look under his shoe to find that he had just squashed Yu Yevon. A loud cheer goes up, only because he got Yu Yevon to shut up*

Jack: And here is the boss you've all been waiting for people! Sephiroth, from Final Fantasy Seven! Now let the round begin!

Sephiroth:....

Ultimacia *looking him over*: Hmm....You're not such a pushover yourself.

Sephiroth:...

Ultimacia *walking over to him, trying to look...yeah*: Hey, cutie, wanna go out sometime?

Sephiroth: I don't know if Mother would approve of you.

Ultimacia *Putting a finger on the side on his face looking him over again* : Well, what momma don't know can't hurt her, can it?

Sephiroth *looking up*: What do you think, Mother?

*Ultimacia turns around to find Jenova looming over her. With one tentacle, she wraps her up and swallows her. Sephiroth grins menacingly, and a loud cheer goes up*

Sephiroth: My thoughts exactly

Jenova: Roar, roar.

Sephiroth: What was that? You want to go have tea?

Jenova: Roar, Roar, Roar.

Spehiroth: Alright. We'll stop at a Starbucks.

Jenova: Roar.

*With that they walk out. Everyone turns to Jack, who's still standing on the desk cheering wildly*

Jack: YEAH!!! GO SEPHY! YOU TEACH THAT SLUT WHO'S....*stops, noticing that everything was quiet. She sits back in her chair slowly, grabbing the microphone and clearing her throat* Uh, well that's all for now. Stay tuned for the next match....if I don't get fired....

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So what did you think? I know it isn't the greatest, but It'll probably get better as it goes on. Please review and tell me what you thought of it, and what match should I do next!


	2. meet the cids

The Next Match: The Cids!

Jack: Yep! Luckily, my boss was too stuck to the TV watching the stocks to keep an eye on what was going on, so the next match will be against the Cids! HAHA! You have to deal with this crap from yet another chapter!

Kid: Hey! Down in front! Get off the stage!

Other guy: Boo! Shut up and get on with it.

Jack *grips hands and summons Anima. Guys run out screaming in horror as it chases after him*: Okay. Now, as I was saying, we have the Cids from Seven, Eight, and Ten...Well, here they are folks!

*Crowd cheers. Cid from Seven salutes, Cid from Ten bows like every freakin' person in Spira does, and Cid from Eight just stands there looking happy.

Ref: Alright, let's make this a good clean fight. Let's get in on!

C. from S. *glares with fit shaking*: Bring it baldy!

C. from T.: C'mon, yellow teeth!

C. from S.: What?! How dare you! I do not have yellow teeth!!

C. from T.: Then what's with it, eh??

C. from S. *takes out mirror and scratches his teeth, having them peel as they do*: Uh...I had lemon cotton candy! But what's with that stupid get up? Going swimming? I hope you get eaten by Sin!

C. from T.: Hey that's my game!

C. from S.: So! That name was from my game!!!

C. from E.: Hey, can't we all just get along-

Both: YOU SHUT UP!!!!

*Cid and Cid disappear, soon returning in the Highwind and that Al Bhed ship. They charge at each other, Cid from Eight stuck in the middle. They both start shooting at each other, but nothing happens as they run into each other. As the dust settle, Cid an Cid emerge from the rumble and start beating each other up, Cid from Eight still standing there.*

*As this is going on, Jack looks around to fins that the place was complete demolished on two sides, everyone sitting dumbfounded. Jack shrugged, getting back into her chair after being under the desk*

*Cid and Cid continue to beat each other up, but as Cid from Eight intervenes, they both hit him in the face, making his glasses break and cry. They were about to throw another punch when suddenly they heard a screech, Edda Pushing through the stands and toppling into the arena, a dark aura spread around her as she charged them*

C. from S.: ....

C. from T.: Uh...You thinking what I'm thinking.

C. from S. *nodding*: Never get the sorceress wife pissed.

Edda: DIE!!!!!

C. from T: Good Yevon!! She'll kill us ALL!!

*Both Cids run out in horror as Edda chased them, threatening them with Ultima. Cid from Eight continues to cry like a little girl, as everyone sweatdrops*

Jack: Uh...I guess we can call this one a draw...CLEAN UP IN ARENA FIVE!!!


	3. The diHeroines

The Di...Heroines

Jack: Well, seems we can continue since we got it cleaned up. This arena clean up was brought to you by....*Squince, reading q-card* A non-lazy author who spends three hours a day waste about three points of eyesight...? Oh well. Anyway, our next match is against the Heroines of the Fantasy's. First up...Yuna!

*Applause from crowd, some even doing that one bow thingy*

Jack: The heroine of FF Ten, Yuna is a Summoner who fights with her guardian to defeat the monster known as Sin *coughs, and continues in a mumble* Which was a real pain in the...Oh, and our next heroine is Tifa from Final Fantasy Seven. Unlike most heroines of the genre, she pictures herself not as such a wuss and enjoys beating up people. Let's have a round of applause.

*Applause; some guys yelling in the crowd...ahem, 'eccentric' phrases.*

Jack: And our last competitor. *Sighs and shakes head in pity* Rinoea, from FF Eight. *coughs* ditz... Anyway, let the match begin!!

Tifa *cracking knuckles*: Alright, which one of you is first?

Rinoea: Hmm, hard to tell you were the heroine. With those bags under your eyes you'd think you were the other meaning of that word.

Tifa: WHAT?!?! How dare you! You should talk! With that hair, you'd think you'd dyed to hide the grays!!

Rinoea: Well at least I didn't have a boyfriend with a split personality!

Tifa: At least I didn't go out with two guys at once slut!

Yuna:...

Rinoea: Who are you calling a slut, tom-boy?!!

Tifa: TOM-BOY!! Why I outta...!

Rinoea *smirking*: What? Bring it on, ugly!

Tifa: Ugly...I would've never thought I would have to use this but...

Jack *ducking under desk*: Uh-oh

Yuna * backs away*: Now, now...

*Everyone in the arena ducks away, waiting for her to say it*

Tifa*Taking a large breath*: ...BRITISH WHORE!!

Rinoea *gasps; falls over fainting that she had said that to her*

Tifa *turning to Yuna*: Now as for YOU...!

Yuna *panicking*: Uh, um, Yojimbo!!!!

Yojimbo: You called?

Yuna: Uh yeah, here's a billion gill, just please, BANISH HER BEFORE SHE SAYS IT AGAIN!!

*Yojimbo does his strongest attack, (whatever that is), and banishes Tifa*

Yojimbo *glaring*: This is only a thousand.... Now where's my payment?

Yuna:...Uh, can I get a raincheck??

Jack:???....Well, guess Yuna wins this one. AND THE NEXT MATCH WILL BE....uh...I don't know, actually....The author doesn't seem to know either...Well, to all you reading this, please review and give some suggestions! Please...?


	4. A Cool Guy, The Man With a Swearing Prob...

Note: I know, I know. I may have been a bit harsh in the last chp. But it was I think ten o'clock, and I can't think then! I've got nothin' against the English, believe me! I'm like .0000001 percent! I'VE STILL GOT SOME THERE! Besides, what better to call someone who's going out with two different guys at once...? *shivers* BUT HEY, this chapter will have no major insults! Because the next round will be...*drum roll* Oh and I don't own Kingdom Hearts either...*continuation of drum roll*

The Three *not-so* Little Helpers

In

A cool guy, The Man With a Swearing Problem, and A Lady With a Whip

Jack: Hey y'all and welcome back! It's been a while, (seeing how we had to clean up Tifa's insult mess), but will you look at that! We're back in business! And our next match will be....*looks at q-card, but suddenly shakes head in pity* Oh Lord...

Barret *from a distance*: I'm gonna kick yo sorry @$$, biotch, if ya come near me with dat whip!

Quistis: Well, to the theorem of volume capacity, your brain, with as thick of skull as yours, would only be the size of an orange, so I'll take my chance.

Barret: Why ya lil'...! Look, specs, if ya don't wanna get shot I-

Quistis *with insane look*: SPECS?! **_SPECS_**?!?! HOW DARE YOU....YOU...IRRESPONSIBLE TWIT!!

Barret: Oh, I'm so threatened. I mean, twit? TWIT? What kind of insult is that, specs?"

Quistis: MY NAME IS NOT SPECS!!!

Barret: Then what is it? Blonde?

Jack *singing forms*: I can just see another lawsuit coming on...

Camera guy: Uh...I think we're suppose to be starting now.

Jack: What's the point? The fight started when they entered the stadium.

Camera guy: ...

Jack: Alright, alright...*sighs depressed, going to the mic* Let the fight being.

*Barret and Quistis are the first to be released, basically choking each other. Barret takes a punch, Quistis jumping back. She unleashed the whip she had at her hip, snapping it once. Suddenly, the whole place goes into the rpg kinda fight thingy, where one person attacks at a time. Barret did is limit break, shooting a giant meteor shell at Quistis. She stumbles back, her HP going down to just one. Her limit break goes up to, and she does...whatever she does. After it hits, Barret heals himself, then Quistis heals herself. This match just goes back and forth like this. The audience suddenly gets bored, most yawning and some even beginning to snore. Jack even falls out of her chair, struck with boredom.*

*When something does eventually happen, the audience is woken up by the loud static of the speakers, Auron accidentally tripping over the cores and running into the microphone.*

Jack: FINALLY! What took you so long?

Auron: Forgive me. Those kids you sent Cloud and I after...well, let's just say the jumped me and threw me into a trashcan.

Jack: ^_^' And how did that happen?

Auron: Long story short, am I up yet?

Jack: Yes...Yes you're up. NOW GET OUT THERE BEFORE THEY START ASKING FOR REFUNDS!! *picks up Auron by the collar of his shirt and throws him out into the arena, (though she's about two feet short than he is)*

Auron: Now what did I miss? *Looks to find how SD everything looks* Oh...Seems I've gotten here just in time.

*Auron walks out, not affected by the RPG playing, and casts Ultima on Barret. His HP dramatically drops to zero. Everything goes out of the fight mode and Quistis walks over with awing eyes.*

Quistis: Thank you, kind sir!

Auron: No problem ma'am.

Quistis *thinking outloud*: Wow, what a hunk!

Auron: Uh...*trying to think of something that would get her to back off* I am dead you know.

Quistis: WHAT?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HOW COME ALL THE GOOD LOOKING GUYS HAVE TO DIE OR BE EVIL!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *Run out crying*

Everyone in the stadium: *Sweatdrop*

Jack: Well, Auron wins, as I had thought. But how true...Either Sephiroth, or Auron, or Riku, or Ansem...Well, *starts wandering off* Cloud was good looking, but he was already claimed...Either by Aeris or Tifa.

Tifa: ME!!

Aeris: NO MEE!!

Tifa: MEEEE!!

Aeris: MEEEEE!!!

Tifa and Aeris: NO, CLOUD IS MIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Jack: Umm...Well that's all for now. *joins yelling crowd* ANY SPECIAL REQUESTS FOR THE NEXT MATCH WILL BE APPRECIATED!!


	5. THE HEROS that shouldn't be called that

The Heroes...(If you can call 'em that)

Jack: Alrighty! Next match is on! This one's gonna be the heroes! *looking around* Uh, well our first competitor is Cloud! Yeah, he's, uh, the h-hero in FF7 and fought against, umm, Sephiroth to save the planet. Yeah.

*Everyone begins to stare, Jack clearing her throat*

Jack: And our next competitor is Squall, from Final Fantasy Eight. Uh, he's more of the quiet type who thinks to himself a lot, but that silence leads to a lot to not jump to rash conclusions. Okay...*clears throat* And our last challenger is...*Looks around again. Stands up, looking though the stadium. Shrugging, she sits back down, looking relived.* Our last competitor is Tidus, from Final Fantasy-

*She's cut off by a sudden screaming. As he enters the arena, something comes swinging down from a cable, tackling him.*

Jack*slapping forehead*: oye....

Sailor Sam: Booya! I got you now!!!

Tidus: What?! Who are you?!?! Security!

Sailor Sam: I slipped them sleeping pills, so you're all mine!

Tidus *gulping*: Yuna....?

Sailor Sam: Dealing with Yojimbo.

~*~*~*~*~

*Yuna, somewhere else*

Yuna: Uh, now, now, Mr. Yojimbo...

Yojimbo: You know the rules. Pay up or else.

Yuna: But I can't pay you.

Yojimbo: Then you settle for the else. Sick her! *Dog forms sharp teeth, lunging at her*

~*~*~*~*~

Sailor Sam *dragging him out kicking a screaming*: La-di-la-di-da!!

Tidus: NO!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!! NAHHHHH!!!!!

Jack *sweatdrop*: Uh, _okay_...Guess we're going to have to fill in for someone else. How about...Zidane, from FF9. 

*Though Author had never played this game, she suddenly puts him in, the kid waving in confusion as to why he was there*

Zidane: Uh...hi.

Jack: Alright, NOW let the fight begin!

Cloud: ....

Squall: ...

Zidane:...Man you guys are dull.

Cloud: So, is where we start insulting each other?

Squall: *nods*

Cloud: Uh...You have spiky hair!

Squall: So do you!

Cloud: I know...

Squall: You think too much.

Cloud: You think more.

Squall: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Cloud: Um....Your Fantasy Symbol is stupid.

Squall: And yours is any better?

Cloud: Yeah. *scowling* At least it's not with the ditz.

Squall *raising voice tone slightly*: Ditz? *pulling out gunbalde* Did you just call Rinoa a ditz?

Cloud *taking out sword*: Yeah, I did.

Zidane: *backs away*

Squall: At least I didn't go out with a tom-boy.

Cloud: At least I didn't go out with a girl who also went out with your worst enemy at the same time and was so freakin' stupid, she trusted him to take her to Ultimacia!

Ultimacia *out in crowd with bandages all over*: You know he has a point.

Jenova: *wraps tentacle around her*

Ultimacia: Aw, nuts. *swallowed by Jenova again, burping loudly.*

Squall: That's enough.

Cloud: Right.

*Squall and Cloud charge at each other, slashing with extreme power. Zidane continues to back away, looking up behind him*

Zidane: Hey, I didn't sign up for this!

Jack: You didn't sign up at all.

Zidane: Oh...right.

*Squall and Cloud finally gain their Limit Breaks, charging at each other one last time. Cloud with Omnislash, Squall with Leonheart. (And I know how inaccurate this will be, but hey, got to end this somehow). They both collide, and both are thrown back and out of the arena, crashing into the walls and falling unconscious.*

Jack *blinking*: Okay, that was weird...Guess Zidane wins.

Zidane: I win...? I WIN!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Jack...._RIGHT_....Anyway, our next match will be-

Voice: Hello, Claris.

Jack: My names not Claris...*Turning around* WAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *Stops panicking and actually looks* Oh, it's just you. Hi, Ansem.

Ansem: Hey, you should be fearing me!!!

Jack: Yeah right. Whatever you say. But you're my new co-announcer?

Ansem: Apparently.

Jack: Alrighty then....*thinking* Hmm....but I wonder how Tidus is doing...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sailor Sam: Sit still!

Tidus: How can I?!

Sailor Sam: Just do it!! *Smiling broadly* OH YEAH!!! BEAT THAT TIDUS!!! *points to screen* Beat you in twenty seconds! My car is so much faster than yours.

Tidus: Okay, okay, fine. NOW can I go to the bathroom.

Sailor Sam: Hmm...Alright.

Tidus *running out of the room, but coming back*: Don't go anywhere, for I'm so gonna beat you next time!

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By the way, Sailor Sam is my friend and she thinks Tidus is SOOO cute, so I thought I might add her in here. PLEASE REVIEW AND SUGGEST WHAT MATCH I SHOULD DO NEXT! ^_^


	6. The REEEEEAAALLLL Stupid Matc' 'LEPRACHU...

Note: (Before I start I should say I don't own Pixy Sticks...or Lucky Charms either...) Alrighty, I know I haven't been writing lately, but I've been busy with geometry homework *gag* So, to put I fairly, I'll try to put these in chronological order...though, with the last review I had, I just HAAAAAADDDDD to put this in first. Let's see, perverted old guy---cool, heroic vampire guy. Choices, choices....*grins broadly*

A Reeeeaaaallll Stupid Matc- *SUGAR!!!!!*

Jack *almost breaking Ansem's eardrum*: WELCOME BACK Y'ALL!!!!

Ansem: GAH!! What is with you?!

Jack: I JUST HAD SUGAR!!!

Ansem: Oh...ahem *picks up phone and whispers in receiver* Hello? Medic?

*medic comes up behind Jack when she's all up on the desk, swallowing yet another Pixy Stick. Pupils sudden enlarge, almost having a spasm. She's dragged off, looking up at the people in green uniforms.*

Jack: Oh, look it's the jolly cartoon leprechaun from the TV. And there's two of them. Hello lepre*hick*chauns!

Ansem *shakes head in pity and turns back*: Guess I must fill in! Alright, I guess the next match has only two people. And there BOTH FROM THE SAME GAME??? Is this right? Oh well. Anyway, it's Hojo, the scientist with the gigantic nose, vs Vincent, the vampire with a cool cape...They're both from seven...Hojo is Vincent's worst enemy, due to the fact that he stole his girlfriend...that's all it says....let the fight begin, I guess...

Hojo: HAHA!!! Look at you!! A grotesque vampire!!! No wonder Lucrecia left you!!

Vincent *glaring*:...

*Vincent suddenly disappears out of no where, reappearing with his claw-hand lunged through Hojo. Hojo collapses, Vincent shrugging.*

Vincent: Look at you. You're dead.

Lucrecia *out of absolutely no where*: Vincent!

Vincent: Lucrecia!!

Lucrecia: I regret...

Vincent: What?! WHAT?!

Lucrecia: .... *disappears again*

Vincent: WHAT?!?!?! WILL YOU EVER FINISH YOUR SENTENCE!!!? *runs after her*

Ansem:...That was fast...Well, guess that's it! Stay tune for our next-

Camera guy: Uh, we still have pages left...

Ansem: WHAT?? But this at least took up one!!

Camera guy: *shrugs*

Ansem *sighs*: Alright, we'll do another one. *looks at future q-cards* Next up we have the good-guy magic dwellers *mumbles* _good-guy magic dwellers...what kinda _...Oh *ahem* This one has Lulu from FF Ten, Vivi from Nine, Zell from Eight, and Aeris from Seven.

*crowd cheers. When Lulu enters, some guys in the crowd are heard above the rest, chanting*

Guys: TAKE IT OFF!!!

Lulu *glares*: Go getting them, moogle *Releases cute little moogle, and guys continue to laugh. That is, until it takes a few steps towards them, then it grows a hundred feet high. With one _whamp_, it crushes them. Moogle goes back, normal arm cuddling size.* Good moogle.

Vivi *panicking*: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!!!

Zell: Will you shut up?!

Vivi: Oh dear, oh dear!

Zell *covering ears*: SHUT UP!!!!

Vivi:...Oh dear...

Zell: GRAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! *does his limit break, and vaporizes the poor little guy*

Aeris: That wasn't very nice!

Zell: You won't believe how much he was getting on my nerves, so you SHUT UP!

Aeris: *begins to cry*

Cloud: *comes down from stadium seats, getting out buster sword and chases Zell out of the arena.*

Lulu *putting hand on forehead when seeing Aeris on the floor crying*: Oh good Yevon, I don't need this today...*walks up to desk where Ansem is half asleep* Hey, you, I forfeit. This is just not worth the headache.

Ansem: Oh uh...yeah okay...

Lulu: *walks out of arena, declaring another point for FF Seven*

Ansem: *snore*

Camera Guy: ...

Jack *running back into arena after escaping from the medics grasp*: STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT MATCH!!! NOW I GOTTA FIND A WAY OUT BEFORE THOSE JOLLY LEPRECHAUNS CHASE ME FOR THE LUCKY CHARMS I TOOK!!!! *opens about five packets of Pixy Sticks, eating them at once. She laughs uncontrollably until she falls over, unconscious.*

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A/N...Uh, please review....


	7. The WANNABES

!The WANNABES!

Jack: Alright! I'm better now after a few cups of coffee. That caffeine sure washes the sugar out. *mumbling* _Coffee...more coffee..._

Ansem: Jack...The match...

Jack: Oh right! Well our next match is against the Wannabes. What wannabes, you may ask. Well, the Sephiroth Wannabes of course! (Or at least that's what I think). Anyway, first competitor is Seymour, of FF X

Kid: FOR THE LAST TIME, SPEAK IN ENGLISH!!!

Jack: SHU'UP! Anyway, let's give a *cough-cough _small_* round of applause!

*small applause*

Seymour: Ah, thank you, thank you! Your applause is most appreciated.

Jack *almost falls over laughing*: Yeah...*chuckle*...Alright, anyway, our other competitors are...well, ANYONE! 

Everyone: Huh?

Jack: That's right! This match means nothing in points, so anyone can come in and kick his Guado...

Ansem: PG, Jack, PG....

Jack: DARN IT! Well I can bleep out? CAN'T I???

Author: *nods*

Jack: ALRIGHT!!!! SO anyone can come down here and kick his sorry Guado-hybrid *beep*

Seymour: Very well. I'll take you all on! *turns to look up a Yuna, blowing a kiss* For the love of Lady Yuna!

Yuna *growling with bandages all around her head and standing on a crutch*: That's it! I can't take this nice-nice business anymore! *throws crutch, stomping down the steps* He's dead!

Sephiroth: Oh no, not before me! He ripped off face style!

Auron: Yes, well, at least he didn't rip off your cool factor.

Sephiroth *stopping*: Good point. Well, I suppose I could just leave it to her.

Yuna: (BEEP) RIGHT YOU WILL!!!!

*Yuna rushes the arena, coming up to Seymour. Seymour sudden reached out, puckering up. She screams bloody murder in a attempt to get away, but he keeps following her. Kimari tries to block, but is infected by the horrid sight and runs away too. Finally, Yuna closes her eyes and whacks Seymour in the head with her staff. Suddenly he fades into pyrflies.*

Seymour: Ah...pooy...*Is sent away*

Jack: *sweatdrop* Alrighty...We saw the side of Yuna probably no one cares about, Seymour was sent to all our relief, and, oddly enough, Kimari was as equally as discussed with Seymour as everyone else. Seems like a good match, huh Ansem?

Ansem: That's right, Jack, a good match.

Jack: Why don't you tell them what's next?

Ansem: umm....

Jack: What is it NOW?

Ansem: It doesn't say

Jack: WHAT?!?! What do you MEAN IT DOESN'T SAY?!?!?!

Ansem: I just doesn't say!

Jack: GAH!!!! Can't she make up her mind?

Ansem: Who?

Jack: Her!

Ansem: Who?

Jack: HER! The author!

Ansem: Oh, that her.

Jack: YES, that HER! Well, since we have nothing planned out, please review and suggest what match we should do next!


	8. Posse Smosse, and One Psychotic Match

Posse Smosse, and One Psychotic Disaster

Jack: Sup dogs! Thanks for stickin' wit us!

Ansem: ...Don't mind her. She's getting to much into this whole rap thing.

Jack: Darn right, fo'! Now our first match today is the posse from 8, consisting of Rijin and Fujin...And the Turks from 7!

Turks *shake hands up in the air*

Fujin: EGOTISTICAL...

Rijin: Tell me 'bout it.

Ansem: Let the fight begin!

Jack *slaps him*: HEY, THAT'S MY LINE, FO'!!

Rijin: Bring it, sissy suits.

Rufus: Sick him!

Reno: *lunges at Rijin and biting his arm*

Rijin: AHHH!!!! Get 'em off me!!!!!

Fujin *slapping Reno, making him coward*: BAD DOG!

Rude: I'll get them! *pulls out mako gun, firing it at Rijin*

Rijin: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Why ME?!?!?!?!

Rufus *slapping forehead*: Idiots...

Tseng: Let me take care of them. *pulls out sword slashing Rijin and jumping back*

Rijin: Ah...crap...*falls over*

Fujin *glare with death gaze at Tseng*: DIE!!!!! *Does aeroga, sending in flying p out of teh stadium*

Eleana: GAHH!!!! Tseng, NOOOO!!!! *glares at Fujin* I'll kill you!

Fujin: BRING IT...

Eleana: *slaps Fujin*

Fujin: *slaps Eleana*

Eleana: *slaps Fujin*

Fujin: *slaps Eleana*

*This continues on for another five minutes, until finally that both slap each other as hard as they can at the same time, making each other fly back into the stands.*

Rufus: That was weird. Okay, can I go now?

Jack *from having snipers holding a shotgun to him*: Yeah, you can go.

Rufus *runs out quickly*

Jack: Alrighty, and our next match, since we're doing a double today, is...Hey wait a sec, didn't we just have these guys on?!

Author: Oh well. They're all cool.

Jack: True...Okay, our next match is all the cool guys! Sephiroth, Cloud, and Vincent! Woo-hoo!

*They enter the arena, and when the bell rings for the match to start, a scream comes echoing through the exit gates.*

Tifa: CLOUD!!!!

Cloud *gulping*: Yes Tifa?

Tifa: You stood up for Aeris when someone told her to shut up! How DARE you!!!!

Cloud: But Tif-

Tifa: No buts! You're gonna pay for this Cloud!

Cloud *backing away when seeing scissors in her hands* Not the hair. NOT THE HAIR!

Tifa *grinning evilly*: Yes, your hair! HAHAHAHAHA!!! *chases Cloud out of the arena.*

Sephiroth and Vincent: *sweatdrop*

*Sephiroth soon begin to glare at each other, until Vincent suddenly starts cracking up*

Sephiroth: What's so funny?

Vincent: A psychopath vs and vampire! Ain't that weird.

Sephiroth: I suppose, but why are you laughing?

Vincent: It's funny!

Sephiroth: You're crazy.

Vincent: Hey, for once I can say it's not my fault!

Sephiroth *glaring*: Are you calling me crazy?

Vincent *nodding*: Yes, yes I am.

Sephiroth: May you join with the planet.

Vincent: Too late! *starts rolling on the floor laughing* At least for you!

Sephiroth: Time to die.

Vincent: Time for chilly!!!!

Sephiroth *raising an eyebrow*: You're not making any sense.

Vincent: Your face makes no sense _Sephy_!

Sephiroth: My name is **_not_** Sephy.

Vincent: Sephy, Sephy, Sephy!!

Sephy...I mean, Sephiroth: My name is NOT Sephy!!!!!

Vincent: **_SEPHY_**!!!!!!! *after laughing, passes out*

Jack *going over and checking pulse, then out of no where gets a blood-alcohol test*: Yep, he's way beyond drunk.

Ansem: What was he?

Jack: Above 1.0... Correction, VERY drunk.

Sephiroth: That was pointless.

Jack: Yes, but at least me and the rest of the Sephy fangirls got to see who again!

Sephiroth: MY NAME IS NOT...oh wait...*backs away as girls in Stadium start looming towards him* I've got to be going now...thanks...*Turns slowly, running as fast as he could out of the stadium. fangirls run after screaming, whereas everybody else gets out of the way of the deadly path. Jack sighs depressed, knowing she has to finish the broadcast.*

Jack: Well...that concludes another round of Final Deathmatch. Pleas review and suggest what we should do next...


	9. The Comic Relief

The Comic Relief

Jack: YES! HAHA!!!! I got an Sephiroth action figure for an early present! I'm so happy! *hugs doll*

Ansem:...You have issues...

Jack: I DO NOT!!!! *whacks him over the head with the Almighty Frying Pan* Anyway, our next match will be with the comic relieves of the games. First off...Cid and Yuffie!

*small applause*

Cid: Applauded you ((beeeep beeeep))

Yuffie: mumble mumble...

Cid: What are you sayin' now?!

Yuffie *screaming in his ear*: Your mouth was what happened the LAST job I tried to work at!!

Cid: What a- *interrupted when she puts a hand over his mouth*

Yuffie: Don't _even_...

Cid: The mascot at Wendy's?

Yuffie *with battle cry*: I'll KILL YOU!!!!

Jack: The match hasn't even started yet...

Yuffie *calming down and smiling broadly as she always does*: Oh right! Sorry!

Jack: Thought so..*stares over to Ansem, who's cracking up in tears*

Ansem: Mascot...Wendy's....It's just too _funny_!

Yuffie: *glaring*

Jack *pointing a finger at him, nodding*: In time, Yuffie. In time. *coughing to clear throat* Alright, next ground is...Selphie and Zell.

*Zell waves hands in the air, Selphie's bouncing around after having too much coffee on the way there.*

Jack: And the last group is...oh god...*looks up to author* Okay, Rikku I can understand, but Wakka?!

Author: Had to put him in somewhere. 

Jack: But **_why_**?!?! He's not THAT important.

Author: Just shut up and do the match.

Jack: Right...OKAY, let the match begin!

Yuffie *diverting her attention to Ansem*: YOU'RE DEAD!!!!

Ansem: What?

Yuffie: DIE! *topples over the desk and tackles him.*

Jack *backs away and sit in the front of desk*: Okay, I'll just sit here.

Wakka: Bring it on, ya?

Cid: GAH! Where the (beep) did you get this guy!!!! His outfit...too colorful...hairstyle...can't...take it...!!!!! *gets out rifle, shooting. A hole suddenly forms in Wakka's spike on his head, everything going quiet*

Wakka: Whoa, ya?

Rikku: STOP SAYING "**_YA_**" _so much_!!!!!!! *hits him over the head and makes him pass out. Turns, glaring at Cid.* ALRIGHT! You're next old bag!

Cid: OLD BAG? where do you get off callin' me an old bag you little (beep).

Rikku *gasping*: Potty mouth! *gets out a bar of soap all of a sudden and shoves it in his mouth.*

Cid: *passes out because of fumes.*

Selphie: HA, HA!!!! *hits Rikku over the head with none-chucks.* MEBEATEVERYONESOMEWINHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Jack: *sweatdrop* Alright...Medic!

Selphie *being dragged away*: LA-DI-DA-DI-DA!!!!!!

Jack *looking over desk*: You finished yet?

Yuffie *hog-tying Ansem and standing up*: Yep, all finished!

Jack:...I guess that's it for this mat-

Ansem: *muffle muffle*

Jack: What?

Ansem: *muffle, muffle*

Jack: What?

Ansem: *MUFFLE, MUFFLE*

Jack: Sorry can't hear you.

Ansem *summoning Guardian to speak for him*: Master says Potter Grotter.

Jack: OHHHH, right, that. Okay. Well, just for the heck of it 'cuz the author found it funny when it was on the news. So, we've asked Harry Potter, the wizard sensation sweeping the nation, against Terry Grotter, the Russian counter part. Okay, let the fight begin.

Potter *getting out wand*: Now look I don't want any trouble-

Grotter: *insert Russian text*

Potter: What? Speak English!

Grotter: Alright you puny little weakling. *takes it wand and snaps it in half* I crush you like a bug, ya?

Potter: Uh...how about some tea and crumpets?

Grotter: You are a moron.

Potter: I AM NOT A MORON!

Grotter: You wear glasses with tape around them and do not get contacts. You are a moron!

Potter: ARE NOT!

Grotter: Are so, weakling!

Potter: I destroyed a giant snake!

Grotter: Okay, you're a moron and a geek.

Potter: ARE NOT!

Grotter: Whatever....

Potter: I'm not...*starts crying*

Grotter *shaking head*: Moron...Only reason why you get publicity is because publishing companies sue my author...Not to mention it took twenty year to get YOU famous, when I was an instant hit!

Potter: Copycat.

Grotter: Shut up, worm.

Potter: At least I do some good...

Jack and everyone there: *sweatdrop*

Jack: Uh, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Well, we managed to make Harry Potter cry, Terry Grotter act like the Russian she is, (though it's more Soviet standing)...And seem to totally ruin the ending of this match. But do we care? NO! *shakes Sephiroth doll's head* Now please review...OR I'LL SICK SEPHIROTH JR. ON YOU!!!!!!

Or not...


	10. The One of Its Own

Note: THANK YOU ALL SO VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY *five minutes later* VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!!! I finally have two pages of reviews! So, in honor of this occasion, I'm gonna list all your names out!

-practikalmagik 

-Yoda 

-Auron-Mujan

-Cat 

-hallow SHADOWS 

-Jojo-The talking Chocobo 

-The Flower Girl

-steven 

-the reaper 

-Sephiroth1Ripley8

-The Highwaywoman

-The-Wise-Toad (who seems to like the "s" word a lot...just had to put that in ^_^')

SO THANK YOU VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY *five minutes later* VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH FOR ALL YOUR REVIEWS!!!!!

By the way, a lot of you seem to want Seifer in here. I know you asked for others, but in truth I have no idea what these things are (I only got the PS2 last Christmas, and I played ff 7 and 8 on the computer,) So I'll just improvise, 'kay?

Match Within Its Own

Jack: ALRIGHT! Since I get to keep my job from being laid off for a week, I'M BACK!!!!

Ansem: Woo-pee...

Jack *rolling up sleeve*: _Say it like you mean it..._

Ansem *seeing threatening gaze and grinning broadly as to not get beaten up*: WOO-PEE!!!!

Jack *cracking knuckles*: That's what I thought... *turning back to camera and smiling brightly* Okay, our next match is within its own game, ff 7. This time we have Seifer Almasy and Squall Leonheart. Don't ask why, we just do. Now, Let the fight begin!

Squall:...

Seifer: Sup, chicken wuss?

Squall: I thought that was Zell's nickname...

Zell *yelling in the stadium*: (Beep) you, you (beeep beep) (Beep) Seifer!

Seifer: Right... *looking over to Jack* Are you sure this is PG?

Jack *shrugging*: That's what it says, don't it?

Seifer: Can't they figure it out though?

Jack *with eyes narrow*: Are you questioning my word?

Seifer *grinning*: Yeah, and what you gonna do about it, girly girl?

Jack: I am NOT a preppy girly girl cheerleader!!!!

Seifer *blinking*: Never said you were...

Jack: BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU MEANT!!!!! THAT'S IT! *grabs Almighty Frying Pan* NO ONE calls me a cheerleader and get away with it!!!!

Squall: Uh...

Jack *getting three hundred times taller and looming over him, shouting* BACK IT UP!!!!!!! *turns back to normal size, Squall fallen over in fear and still looking up from where she was*

Seifer: ....

Jack: YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!!

Seifer: *runs out of the stadium screaming like a little girl*

Jack *calling down, then starts cracking up*: ALRIGHTY! *goes back to sit in her chair. Looks up to Ansem who sudden falls out of his chair when she does* What?

Ansem: *points to Frying Pan.*

Jack: Oh right, silly me. *throws pan into stadium, hitting Ultimacia in the head*

Ultimacia *wrapped in full body bandages and hook up to a Heart Monitor*: OWWW!!!! Muffle muffle (beep)

Jenova: ROAR!!!!

Ultimacia *taking Frying Pan and waking her over the head*: HAHA!! muffle muffle!

Jenova *turns into stage two*: ROAAARRR!!!!

Ultimacia: (BEEEP BEEEEEPP!!!!) *eaten again*

Jack: Next match up is Auron vs Anonymous fangirl!

Auron: Huh?

Fangirl: THAT'S RIGHT!!!!

Jack: Okay...let the fight begin.

Auron: ....

Fangirl: AURON!!!! *takes him, tying his hands and feet and covering his mouth with a bandana* HAHAHA!!!!! NOW YOU'RE MINE!!!!!!!

Auron: MUFFLE MUFFLE MUFFLE

Fangirl *takes masamune, coat, boots, socks, armor, the COOL LOOKIN' SUNGLASSES, and anything else besides for his undies...heheh, funny word.*

Fangirl *walking over to Jack and giver her the COOL LOOKIN' SUNGLASSES*: Now here's my end of the bargain!

Auron *getting free of the cloth around his mouth*: WHAT?? YOU SET THIS UP?! GAAAHHH!!!!

Jack: Hey wait these are...*looks down at feet, shutting her eyes and taking them off* X-RAY VISION SUNGLASSES!!!!!

Everyone: *Gasps*

Yuna: *faints*

Lulu: *shouting out of the silence* PERV!!!

Auron: I SWEAR! Some kid just slip my those this morning!

Kid who has been annoying through all the other chapters: *shifting eyes suspiciously*

Fangirl: Really? Let me see! *takes them, puts them on, and looks at Auron* Oh, yep, whaddaya know? *shurgs* Oh well. Now to sell this stuff on E-Bay!!! *walks out of the stadium*

Jack: Err....Let's just end this now before anything else happens....Please review and suggest what should be done next...

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BTW, the Fangirl was an ideal brought up by Auron-Mujan, because after that "Auron Teaches Geometry" it brought a whole new way of getting through that EVIL class, so I just put it in...And besides, Auron is cute for begin in his thirty's...


	11. DOGMuh, people

DOGM...uh, people

Jack *humming to CD player*: he was a dadada she said dadadadada...

Ansem *loudly*: Ahem....

Jack *beginning to hum loudly*: I'll be at dadada singin' the song we wrote about dadadadaDAAAAAA!!!!!!

Ansem *about choking it out of his throat: AHEM!!!!

Jack *Turns to him, taking off headphone*: Yeah?

Ansem: We DO have another MATCH, you know.

Jack *throwing CD player aside and looks to camera*: Oh right, I'm still getting paid. Anyway, our next match is again the animals in the stadium.

Irvine: But I'm not an animal.

Jack: Well, whatever, we just had to name this match something. 

Irvine: *nods head*

Jack: ALRIGHTY!!!! Let the match begin! DING!

Ansem: What was with the ding?

Jack *shrugging*: Dunno, just felt like it.

Kimari: Kimari crush insignificant opponents.

Nanaki (hereby known as Red 13): I think not.

Irvine: WHOA! Talking cats! Dude!

Red 13 *shaking head in pity*: What do you say of beating him up first?

Kimari: Kimari can agree to that.

*Both Red 13 and Kimari gang up on Irvine, brutally mauling him. By the loss of blood and a severed limb, he's knocked unconscious, taken out of the arena by the medics*

Kimari: Now as for you! *turns around, Red 13's tail getting in the way and setting the rope around his waste on fire, spreading to his wings and all over. Suddenly he bursts into flames, running around like a maniac* AH!!! Kimari on fire!!!! SOMEONE PUT FIRE OUT!!!!!!

*Somehow a bucket of water falls on him, Kimari falling to the floor and twitching as the medics take his unconscious, burnt-to-a-crisp body out of the arena* 

Jack: Yea! Red 13 won! And I new he would 'cuz he's the best kitty-cat in the world, yes he is!

Red 13: *sweatdrop, shaking head and walking away.*

Kid: *starts cracking up*

Jack: *glares up into stadium and finds them in an instant. Using a transporter beam (don't ask how) she warps up there and stand before their and the Other Guy.* You just gotta ask yourself one question...'I'm I funny?' Well, are ya, PUNK?

Kid: Um...I guess...

Jack: THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO SAY!!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO SCREAM IN FEAR!!!!!!!

Kid: Oh, right...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *tries to run away when she puts a bind around them*

Jack: Not so fast! *reaches forward and takes off hoods* I should've known. *takes off other hood revealing Tidus and Rikku* YOU....

Tidus: AH!!!! RUN!!!!!! *grabs Rikku away before Jack hits her with Almighty Frying Pan.*

Ansem: Um...guess that explains some things....Please review and suggest what we should do next...uh...is that it?

Camera Guy: *Nods, camera shutting off*


	12. CAITSITH MUST DIE!

Note: This is gonna be one of the most violent chapters, just because I remember what a pain in the arsh he was. I would have Yuffie too, but it seems mostly everyone likes her, so just stick to the stuffed cat thing. (BTW, no cats were hurt in the making of this fic)

CAITSITH MUST DIE!!!!

Jack: You know what? We have been neglecting some people from games. That's why this one is dedicated to those who I haven't mentioned yet. And the only one is...Caitsith of FF 7. Let's give him a round of applause.

*grumbles from the crowd, absolutely no applause. Jack raises an eyebrow, wondering why, as Caitsith shakes hands in air like the dumb(beep) he is.*

Jack: Hey, what's up with this?

Ansem: Uh, Jack, you haven't played that game in a while have you?

Jack *shaking head*: No, I haven't actually. What happened again?

Ansem: *leans over and whispers it into her ear.*

Jack: *suddenly becomes enraged and grows three-hundred times taller* **_WHAT?!?!?!_** NOW I REMEMBER YOU!!!!!! SEPHIROTH!!!!

Sephiroth *suddenly emerging from the shadows*: Yes?  


Jack: How much do I need to pay you to get rid of this guy?!?!?!?!

Sephiroth: Who?

Jack: CAITSITH!!!!

Sephiroth *cracking knuckles*: I'll do it for free...*takes out masamune*

Caitsith: *gulps*

Sephritoh: *slashes stuffed bottom body. But suddenly masamune is ripped from his hands, being absorbed into Caitsiths body*

Caitsith: HAHAHA!!!! I got your masamune!!!

Sephiroth *glaring with menacing death gaze*: Your dead meat cat... *reached up and grabs cat on top by the throat. He pull the cat by its tail until it's five feet in length, letting it snap like a rubber band and sending him up through the stadium ceiling. He turned back to the unanimated body and punches a hole into it, reaching in his arm and trying to get it out. But his hand reaches as far as his shoulder, until finally he gets the hand and pulls it out. He soon summons a fire spell and the thing bursts into flames. He sheathes masamune and walks through it, slowly walking away*

Jack: Hmm...doesn't that look familiar...Anyway, sorry this was so short, but what else can you do but give Caitsith a short segment, ay? Please review and suggest what we should do next! 


	13. Big Fat Bloated Pussfilled Malformed Fes...

Big Fat Bloated Puss-filled Malformed Festering Sweaty Slug-for-a-Butt

Jack: Okay, okay. With this, controversy. There's no other word to describe it. There's only ONE possible explanation for it all! One match that shall decide it all!

Ansem: GET ON WITH IT!

Jack:...Auron and Sephiroth...

*crowd cheers, both competitors entering*

Jack: Woo-hoo! Go Sephy!

*crowd throws cans and bottles at her who like Auron more. Other fans of Sephiroth gang up on them and their a bit riot, a car all the sudden being throw into the arena.*

Jack *standing on desk*: WAIT! HOLD IT!!! *everyone stops, some even still being choked but listening* It's Auron and Sephy vs SOMETHING ELSE!

Everyone: O_OOOHHH!_

Jack: Yeah. Well, it's them vs something HORRIBLE, something TERRIBLE...

Ansem: WHAT IS IT ALREADY!

Jack *screaming in his ear*: I'M GETTING TO THAT!!!! NOW SHUT _UP_!! Anyway, they're up against King Ug.

Everyone: Huh?

Jack: Yep, King Ug, the most discussing, fowl being in the universe.

King Ug *gigantic mass of a blob walking in with it sounding like bubble wrap*: UG UG UG!!!!

Ansem: EUH, don't tell me...!!!

Jack: uh-huh, that sound you're hearing, big warts and zits popping as it walks.

Ansem: Uh!!! *turns off behind desk, barfing in the near by trashcan*

Jack: Yes... I know...

Auron: *feels of doing the same*

Sephiroth: *shakes head in pity, unbelieving that _this_ was what they had to fight.*

Jack: Alright, let the fight begin *mumbling* _may luck be with them..._

Auron: Alright, I'll take care of you *he's says, trying to get close to attack with weapon, but can hardly without turning away* Uh...the stench...TOO MUCH!!!!!

Sephiroth: How hard can this stupid, idiotic, opponent be? *gets nine feet to swipe with masamune, but it just slicks off when it tries to hit* What the? *looks up to Ug's Hp* WHAT?! NO DAMAGE? WHAT KIND OF A (BEEP) MONSTER IS THIS?!

King Ug *think imperial march from star wars. Marches around like an idiot*:UG UG UG Ug-UGUG Ug-UGUG,_ UG UG UG Ug-UGUG Ug-UGUG!!!!_ *Stops, flying fists into air* UG SMASH! *Makes Sephiroth go flying across the arena*

Everyone who ever as a Sephiroth fan: *cracks hands, rolling up sleeves*

King Ug *to Auron*: UG SMASH! *does the same thing*

Everyone who ever was a Auron fan: *screaming enraged, charging the arena floor*

*Crowd suddenly comes into stadium floor, vendors handing out close-line pins to cover noses as everyone grabs a police beater and anything they can find and starts beating him up.*

Sephiroth *standing up*: Well, seems they have it covered.

Auron: Hmm...Sad how they'd do more for us and get arrested than we'd do getting paid.

Sephiroth: What are you talking about? You didn't stand a chance!

Auron: Oh yeah, well you were the one who got hit first!

Sephiroth: So what? You got sick getting close to it, and did you see me flinch? NO!

Auron: Is that a challenge?

Sephiroth: Of course *ears perk up, turning away slowly* But Mother is calling. I must go.

Auron: coughcoughmama'sboycoughcough *starts chuckling*

Sephiroth *glaring*: What did you say?

Auron *whistling*: Nothing...

Sephiroth: That not *turns away, smirking as he mumbles, soon disappearing into the shadows* _Perved chicken wuss..._

Auron: WHAT?! YOU GET BACK HERE!!! _COWARD!!!!!_

Jack *dusting off hands after come back with shotgun in hand. Sees blob seep into cracks of stadium as there's nothing in solid mass to sustain.* Well, this was a happy ending, won't you say?

Ansem: *still throwing up in trashcan*

Jack: My thoughts exactly! Anyway, please review and tell us what to do next so the author doesn't have to improvise like this again...

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A/N King Ug is the evil minion in my bro's rpg he's playing. Just thought I'd put it in since NO ONE'S BEING SPECIFIC!!!! (no offense, I just couldn't think of anything else ^_^' please suggest what characters, in stead of a theme, 'cuz it's a lot easier to think of after HOURS OF GEOMETRY HOMEWORK!!!!!)*oh and the beginning, Earth Worm Jim titles don't belong to me either...I despise disclaimers but what are you gonna do?*


	14. Catfight!

****

Catfight!

Jack: And the match you've all been waiting for!

Ansem: The ending?

Jack: NO! What MOST of you've been waiting for, anyway! Tifa vs Aeris! *big applause from crowd* Who will lose? Who will win the affection of Cloud?

Tifa: ME!

Aeris: No, MEEE!!

Jack: Uh, that was a rhetorical question...Anyway, let's get this thing started!

Tifa: You're goin' down!

Aeris: I think not! For it is YOU who are...is...GOING TO LOSE!

Tifa: Yeah, that's it, always gotta be miss perfect!

Aeris *smiling*: And it is you who has to be so politically incorrect!

Tifa *confused*: Huh?

Aeris: And with such a small, feeble mind, how could you possible understand my speech! You probably didn't even get the meaning of the GAME!!!

Tifa: Oh yeah, well you DIED after the first half so you shouldn't be talking!

Aeris: You only got a part because of your chest.

Crowd: Ohh, burn!

Tifa: SHU'UP!!!!!

Cloud: Sheesh, this will never end!

Rinoa: Aren't you tired of this bickering?

Cloud: Yes, yes I am...

Rinoa *smirking deviously*: Well you wanna come with me?

Cloud *backing away in his seat*: uh....

Rinoa *leaning forward to get close*: Oh c'mon, you said you'd had it will all this fighting. It'll be fun.

Jack *yelling in microphone*: SLUT!

Tifa *looking up along with Aeris, and seeing Cloud mouth the words 'Help' to them*: Grrr....

Aeris *glaring and rolling up her sleeves*: Why that little...Say Tifa, what do you say putting this aside for a moment to teach that girl a lesson, hmm?

Tifa: For once, I can agree.

*Tifa and Aeris charge the stands, running up and Rinoa cowering away in fear as Tifa unleashes Slots and Aeris casts Meteor. Censor Moogle comes in and blocks the horrific image, and afterward there's nothing left of the seat but a creator. Tifa and Aeris shake hands, Cloud sighing in relief.*

Cloud: Thanks-

Aeris and Tifa *turning dark with a death gaze*: THANKS FOR NOTHING! YOU COULDA SHAKEN HER AWAY BUT_ NOOOOO_!!!! WE'LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER!!! *They suddenly grab Cloud by his arms and drag him out, leaving the stadium to stunned silence*

Jack: o...kay...Well, thanks for the suggestion and again, suggest what should be done next!

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A/N FINALLY! Back into my usual mode! Thanks for suggestions and please suggest again a review!


	15. BOOYA!

****

Booya!

Jack *talking to programmer*: Ah, c'mon I wanna see Caitsith being beaten up s'more!

Programmer: I'm sorry, but we just can't have his sorry face on this network again. The rating went down so much when we did.

Jack: Really? That much?! Even with SEPHIROTH there?!

Programmer: *nods*

Jack *mumbling*: Those cheap...

Programmer: Well, we can have something else that may bring it up.

Jack: What?

Programmer: See, the network planned on having a Badass fight, seeing how it might pull this sorry show out of the water.

Jack *gasps*: Can we say that?!

Programmer *shrugging*: A reviewer said it so it should be good enough.

Jack: YIPPEE! Oh..*ahem*...well, better be off then! *Frolics away in joy to her seat in the stadium arena.* HEY EVERYONE WE'RE-- *looks around, seeing that barely anyone was there. Looks over to Ansem, who was asleep and cobwebs all over him. She slaps him, making him come awake* Hey, where is everyone?

Ansem: Well, we haven't done this in a while, so I guess they took a bathroom break.

Jack *slapping forehead*: Two-thirds of the stadium?!

Ansem: _Maybe_...

Jack: You're an idiot.

Ansem: Your the worst announcer ever!

Jack *gasping again*: NOOOOOO!!!!!! DIE, EVIL TRAITOR! *grabs Almighty Fryingpan, Whacking him out of the stadium ceiling.* Hmm...so who's going to be my new announcer. I know! Riku!

Riku *suddenly appearing in Ansem's place*: What the...?

Jack: HI!

Riku: AHH!!!! NOT ANOTHER ONE!!!!!

Jack: No, no, I'm not one of those kind of fangirls.

Riku: Oh so your author's not gonna...

Jack: Nope! You're straight!

Riku *sighing in relief*: Thank god...

Jack: You're my new announcer, Riku! So, introduce the newest fight!

Riku: Alright! *reading q-card* Are next fight is the Badass fight! *whispering over to Jack* Can we say that?

*crowd suddenly rushes back to their seats, hearing this and beginning to cheer like before*

Jack: Guess so! And so, our challengers are, of course, Sephiroth, Auron, and Laguna! *stares over when they don't enter, reading signs*

Laguna: 'Gone fishin', back soon.'

Auron: 'Gone hunting, back soon..'

Sephiroth: 'Gone crazy, back soon...'

Jack: Ah, cheeze, can't we get any good people on this show anymore?!

Riku: Wait, there's another match! It's Heidegar vs the Flying Monkey's from the Wizard of OZ!

Jack: WHAT?!

Riku: I'm only reading what it says. But okay, let THIS fight begin!

Heideger: HYAR HYAR HYAR!!!! This is a joke, right?!

Monkey: I HATE that horse laugh! *grabs something from the pile of crap they had made earlier, (and yes, it is a pile of CRAP, crapola, Shiznit...) Throws it at Heideger, giving him the bubonic plague, (or black plague...whatever you wan to call it.)*

Heideger: NO! Not the black plague! the uncleanness...eww...HYAR HYAR! *gets out Mako gun* Die, stupid rabid monkeys!

Monkeys: *fling crap at the gun, making it blow up, and soon throwing it at his face.*

Heideger: AHHH!!!! I'm melting! MELTING!!!! *the guy DOES melt until he turns into a puddle of water*

Jack: Don't ask...no body ask...But the Monkeys win.

Monkey *celebrating*: OOHOOHOOHOOHAHAHAH!!!! *they fly out of the stadium*

Jack: This just suggests never ask for a army of rabid flying monkeys...'cuz you'll get it...ANYWAY, that's it for this session of Final Deathmacth, and please review to what we should do next!

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A/N I don't own the Wizard of OZ...and frankly don't WANT to...That changing color horse is just odd...IN EVERY SCENE IT'S DIFFERENT! IT'S JUST TOO MIND BOGGLING!!!!


	16. STUFF! No seriously

STUFF!!!!...No Seriously...

Jack: Blah blah blah...I've been saying the same thing for what, fifteen chapters? You fill it in if ya want.

Riku *staring*: Why are you so grouchy?

Jack: I AM NOT GROUCHY, YOU PATHETIC WORM!

Everyone: *stares*

Jack: What?

Riku: ....

Jack: I haven't had my coffee yet today...

Riku: _Ohhh_...that explains it. *shouts over to coffee and donuts guys* HEY, you heard her!

Coffee guy *suddenly appearing with coffee*: Here you are. That'll be two fifty.

Jack: *takes coffee and snarls, coffee guy backing away*

Coffee guy: Uh...never mind...*runs away in horror*

Jack*eyes widening when she takes sip, as if high on catnip. Begins to laugh*: Ha! You said grouchy!

Riku: Whew, back to normal. Alright, now we can get on to the match. This one will be Cloud from ff7 vs Tidus from ff10...and this will only end in tragedy folks...

Crowd: *cheers*

Jack: heheh...spork is a funny word!

Riku: *shakes head in pity* Okay, let's get this fight on!

Tidus: *waving hands in the air*

Cloud *slapping forehead*: You are probably the stupidest main character in any game...

Tidus: Oh, we have to start dissing each other now?

Cloud: No, but it's only the truth.

Tidus: ....

Cloud *getting out buster sword*: Let's just get this over with...

Tidus *taking out that water sword thingy*: Right!

Cloud: What the...? What is that suppose to be?

Tidus: A sword!

Cloud: Good lord...They only made them worse as they went on, didn't they?

Tidus: Whaddaya mean?

Cloud *reaching out Buster Sword and just tapping Tidus's lightly. It shatters in Tidus's hand*: See?

Tidus: Yes...I see...

Wakka: NO! He destroyed my broda's sword, ya!

Rikku: SHUT UP! *whacks him over the had with the Almighty Frying Pan she bought out in the lobby, making him go unconscious.*

Tidus: Anyway...

Cloud: How did you ever get that part anyway?

Tidus: They said I looked cute!

Cloud: Good grief...

Tidus: I can take you out anyway! I don't need a sword, 'cuz I got, *a close up to his face* MAGIC!

Cloud: Uh-huh, like what?

Tidus: Something vile, something obscene...

Cloud: Just do it already moron!

Tidus:...WATERGA!

*small spout of water comes out of ground, splashing Cloud in the face and getting part of his hair wet. He just stares, Tidus grinning and rubbing the back of his head.*

Tidus: I guess I gotta work on that...

Cloud: See? Useless. Absolutely useless. You didn't even have a role in it.

Tidus: I had a part! I had to defeat Sin!

Cloud: No, the girl did. You father was just the one who was part Sin, and that was supposedly easy to beat after leveling up.

Tidus: At least I wasn't a schizophrenic!

Cloud: Wow, your first big word...

Tidus: Shut up!

Cloud: Make me! What are you going to do, fire that stupid attack again?

Tidus *frustrated*: Stop making fun of me!

Cloud: Boo-hoo, you wuss. *charges up magic attack* Let me show you how it's done! *summons meteor, releasing it on Tidus. Afterward there's nothing but a crater*

Yuna: NO! My poor Tidy-Whitey!

Everyone: *Starts cracking up*

Yuna: What?

Jack: Do you know what that means?

Yuna: *shakes head*

Jack: Underwear...you just called him underwear!!! *falls out of chair laughing hysterically*

Yuna: Well whatever...*runs down, closing eyes and falls asleep, Tidus suddenly forming again. Jumps up, hugging him* There's my Tidy-Whitey!

Riku: Shut up with that!!! I'm gonna die of laughter!

Cloud:....Oh yes, you're a dream...Forgot about that...

Tidus: HAHA! This means I can die forever and be able to soon destroy you!

Cloud: And never be able to shut up...

Tidus: Yuna, Summon Anima!

Yuna: Sure thing, Tidy-Whitey! *begins to summon when suddenly a poke'mon is summon* NOT YOU, PSYDUCK!!!!

Tidus:....

Cloud: Since when does anyone use poke'mon?

Jack: Stuff...

Riku: That's just odd...AND THIS FANFIC DOESN'T OWN POKE'MON NOR WANTS TO!

Cloud: Uh...I guess, to make this fair, I'll summon something like it...KNIGHTS OF THE REALM!

Tidus: That's not a summon!

Cloud: Yeah it is, there's just thirteen of them...Anyway, DIE!

*knights absolutely mauls psyduck, sending him back in an overkill... overoveroveroveroveroveroveroveroverkill. Yuna screams, running out. But oddly enough, Tidus sounds the same, everything going quiet.*

Jack: Where the heck did that poke'man come from?

Riku: Who knows. 

Jack: Well I wanna know!

Riku: Whatever...

Jack: I DO WANNA KNOW THOUGH!

Riku: WELL I DON'T KNOW!...Anyways, Thank you-

Jack *grabbing microphone away*: THAT'S MY LINE!!!! Ahem, thank you for reading this chapter of Final Deathmatch and please suggest what we should do next, (or if we should finally end this thing...)


	17. THE END IS NEAR! only ten more shopping ...

Note: THANKS for all the reviews, and this shall be the last chapter! (after SOOO many chapter, THANK YOU! You don't know who much this burned out my eyes!) But I took your suggestions, and this shall be a free-for-all! And for the last disclaimer, I don't own the Matrix Mode...darn it...

THE END IS NEAR! (only ten more shopping days left...)

Jack: OH THANK YOU, REVIEWS!!!! SAVE ME!!!!!

Author *puts duct tape over Jack's mouth*: Anyway...

Riku: _Right_...Well, this will be our last match! It's going to be ALL of the final fantasy's Free-for-All!

Jack: muffle muffle! *translation* YEA!

*Everyone suddenly comes out, charging the area and beginning to duke it out*

Seifer: Your mine, chicken wuss! *runs after Zell*

Vivi: Oh dear!

Zell: GAH! SHUT UP!

Aeris: That wasn't very nice!

Tifa: Once and for all we'll see who gets Cloud!

Aeris *pulling out staff*: Bring it on!

Squall *getting tackled by Rinoa*: ....

Cloud: You know, you really should say something.

Squall: You're right *pulls her off, shrugging* Rinoa, you really are a whoe.

Rinoa: *Starts balling, running out of the arena*

Squall: Yes! I finally said it! Go me!

Sephiroth: Now you die, Cloud Strife!

Cloud: Yes, well, you said that before...

Sephiroth: So what?! I still got my threats!

Auron: Mama's boy!

Sephiroth: Weakling! At least I didn't die by a stupid slut!

Auron: You know what, you have a point there...

Sephiroth: Of course I do!

Auron: But I'll send you for bringing it up!

Sephiroth *shaking head*: Oye...You people...

Yeven: I'll kick your (beep) for killing me, Sephiroth!

Auron: *smashes Yeven*

Sephiroth: At least you have some sense.

Lulu*smacks Auron over the head with another Almighty Frying pan*: That's for those sunglasses, Perv!

Sephiroth:....(Beep) it, I wanted to kick his sorry (beep).

Lulu: Yes, well, You didn't have him staring at your chest 24/7 through the game...

Sephiroth:...Okay, that's just wrong.

Lulu: Tell me about it. Say want to go get some coffee?

Sephiroth: I'm not quite sure *turns to Jenova, who eats Ultimacia once more.* What do you say mother?

Jenova *nods*: ROAR.

Sephiroth: Mother approves of you, oddly enough, so...sure, why not?

*Lulu steps on Auron and walks out with Sephiroth and Jenova*

Jack: Dude...that's not FAIR!

Selphie *escaping grasp of medics*: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! ME DESTROY! BLOW UP THINGS! ZAP ZAP!!!

Rikku *hitting her over the head*: HA! NOW ME CAN BE THE HIPPER ONE!

Wakka: Finally back to the norm, ya?

Rikku: STOP SAYING **_YA_**!!!! *hits him over the head too*

Vincent: *stands back from it all, drinking down and lounging back in the stands for this all to end*: Don't mind me, I'm just minding my own business.

Vivi: Oh dear, oh DEAR!

Zell: Seifer, for once, I have to ask you one small favor.

Seifer: Kill...small...floating...dude...

Zell: Yeah, how could you tell?

Seifer *lunging forward with gunblade*: DIE, SMALL FLOATING DUDE!

Vivi*dodges, Seifer falling forward and into the stands*

*Vincent's drink spills over onto him, Vincent's eyes narrowing. Everything goes into Matrix mode, Vincent pulling out automatic and aiming it. In slow motion, several bullets firing, diving into Vivi and leaving him floating in the air with a giant hole."

Vivi: Oh...dear...*falls to the ground*

Vincent *putting gun away and sitting back down, another drink suddenly appearing out of no where*: My business is done here.

Tidus: Not this again.

Cloud: Not you again!

Tidus: YUNA!

Yuna: Yes Tidy-*cut off by Tidus putting hand over her mouth*

Tidus: Enough of that! Anyway, destroy him.

Yuna: NO!

Tidus: Why not?

Yuna: You're a jerk! You won't even let me call you Tidy-Whitey anymore! 

Everyone: *starts cracking up*

Tidus: FOR OBVIOUS REASONS!

Yuna: So what? I don't like you anymore! WAAA!!! *runs out crying*

Tidus: Aw, come back Yuna! I didn't mean it! Come on! *runs out after her*

Cloud: I'm just glad this is the last chapter!

Jack *ripping off tape*: ALRIGHT THAT'S IT! ENOUGH! That's the last straw!

Selphie: Me.. Blow up things...YEA! *pulls self-destruct leaver on stadium*

*Up in space, a bright yellow light is seen from the planet earth, a crater now of the island the stadium was on. And yes, it's an island. This is the last chapter of this fic, and I'll make it the way I want!*

Jack *Standing out of ash with everyone else*:....

Author: Told you no one died in this fic...literally.

Riku: Alrighty...

Jack: This thing went out with a bang...

Vincent *seeing his drink spilled over again*: Not funny...

Jack: Well, that concludes Final Deathmatch...Thanks for all the reviews!

Riku: And until next ti-

Jack *covering his mouth with duct tape*: SHH!!! Don't give her any ideas! THANK YOU for the REVIEWS, and that DOES IT for FINAL DEATHMATCH


End file.
